Monday, April 13, 2009

How to get my fiance to help w/ planning?

We are recently engaged and I have begun the initial stages of wedding planning. I%26#039;ve been looking at churches and flower arrangements, picked a dress and bridesmaid dresses, and started outlining a budget. He%26#039;s done nothing but promise he%26#039;ll help. Because of his family, we have to have a huge wedding(400-500ppl) which means there is a limited amount of cites we can use with our budget. I%26#039;ve been asking him to help but he%26#039;s more concerned w/ work projects right now. We%26#039;re getting married next spring and one reception hall we liked is already all booked up so time is running out to make this work. His mom doesn%26#039;t want us to book a hall until she has a rough guest count, which is fine with me because she didn%26#039;t know we were booking stuff already because he didn%26#039;t tell her (like I asked him to).

So I%26#039;m asking, how do I get him to put this as a bigger priority than work for a couple of weeks and understand we have to do this stuff now?! Help!!
How to get my fiance to help w/ planning?
FlowersBirthday FlowersSympathy FlowersThe way the workforce is these days, those work projects could be extremely important to him keeping his job or at least to getting a good performance review which will later translate to a raise. I would not automatically dismiss those work projects as not being important.

I would ask him to make an appointment with you for a solid 2 hours of wedding work on the weekend. Tell him it%26#039;s important for the reasons you stated above. Have him commit to a specific time and put it on his calendar.

(Obviously the number of hours can be different, but you can schedule more time later if 2 hours isn%26#039;t enough.)

P.S. Someone made the excellent point that he could be overwhelmed by the size/scope of the wedding. Maybe with that size of a wedding, the whole project is overwhelming to him, and he doesn%26#039;t even want to get started. Or he really doesn%26#039;t want a huge wedding and he is %26quot;protesting%26quot; by not participating. This could be subconscious %26quot;protest%26quot;, not necessarily passive-aggressive.
Reply:Sorry to say but, most guys are like this they plan the engagement and figure all they have to do is show up at the wedding.

However, at some point at least in my case he came around and began getting excited about 10 months away from the wedding and about 4 months into the process.

If you can just use your MOH or your Mom%26#039;s!

Also, you can type up a list of things he must do for you for the wedding this also has helped me a lot.

Eventually he%26#039;ll come around guys go into shock usually after the engagement because they have no idea that you have to start planning right away.

I started planning 2 days after we got engaged calling to book our venue and he freaked out.

Good Luck!

October 6, 2007 Bride!
Reply:to me work should never take a back guys need to pay for the wedding some how. My FI isn%26#039;t helping me either and I think it%26#039;s great, I can do what I want. As long as he shows up, to me, that is all that matters.
Reply:You must realize that -- to put it bluntly -- wedding ceremonies are actually for the benefit of the BRIDE, and the bride alone, so that she can be the center of attention for a day. Men (including the groom) play only a small supporting role. It is going to be hard to get a man excited about planning a wedding ceremony when, quite frankly, the big party is not really for him -- it%26#039;s all just for you.

Have you ever tried to talk a friend into helping you plan a big birthday party for yourself? She probably was not that excited about doing a lot of work planning for a big party that is really for someone else.

Maybe you could get him to help you with planning your ceremony if you also promised to help him with something that is time consuming and bothersome for him, so that he actually does have more free time to help you plan for your big day.


%26quot;I need him to get his parents to decide the number of guests so we can book stuff.%26quot;

Do you and his parents HATE each other? Why do you need HIS help to speak with his parents? You know how to work the telephone, I presume, as well as your fiance does.
Reply:So you really don%26#039;t need HIS help, it%26#039;s his family%26#039;s help you are after. Just phone.

Just think - if you were adults and paying for your own wedding, you could do all the planning you wanted together, with no interference, waiting, or drama!
Reply:It was this way with my husband too. He did not do any of the planning. Sit him down and simply tell him that if he doesnt start helping you plan things, you will be forced to make decisions without him. Don%26#039;t act helpless-call his mother on your own; she will soon be yours too. Take initiative since he%26#039;s not going to. As other people have said, work is important. You need money in order to survive. He can%26#039;t compromise his job for one day of your lives. An important day, but one day none the less. I think its a little early for you to be overreacting. Another idea-call some places and get lined up to visit them. tell him when and where. simple as that. men don%26#039;t like planning things, they are not like women that way. I%26#039;m thinking you may have to just come to terms with this fact...
Reply:The majority of guys so don%26#039;t care for this wedding stuff, LOL. You have my sympathy. I%26#039;ve started planning now (for Oct. %26#039;08), and he doesn%26#039;t even want to HEAR about a wedding until December the earliest.

Which is fine with me. I told him that I wouldn%26#039;t throw the wedding in his face, as long as he helped with the tastings and finalization of the site later down the road. He liked the tasting part, LOL!

Perhaps the size and scale of this wedding is turning him off. The thought of a big wedding may sound very overwhelming to him. And no matter how old a guy is, if an event even feels like something he has to go to, he won%26#039;t want to go, much less plan. I%26#039;m not saying he doesn%26#039;t want to marry you, but the key to getting him to help is getting him to want to go (yeah I know, sounds weird, but trust me on this).

If it%26#039;s not too late, try to incorporate some of his favorite foods and music, and include some elements that his friends will enjoy, like a pool or poker table, and a hosted bar (I%26#039;m having a hosted bar- I don%26#039;t want any guest paying for anything). Whatever will get him there - that will get him to help you plan. The best of luck to you :o)
Reply:here%26#039;s an easy one - give him a bl*w j*b and then tell him that he gets one each time he helps plan something for the wedding - i have a suspicion that the entire wedding will be planned quite quickly - in fact he%26#039;ll probably make up new things that have to be planned for -

I don%26#039;t know why I have to be the one that always explains to women how to motivate their men - geez !!!!!
Reply:Most guys show no interest in wedding planning and for the most part you just want them to show up. Since his parents are paying for most of to them regarding plans and keep your hubby in the loop.
Reply:He loves you, you%26#039;re getting married, from what all I have seen, men just need to know when and where to show up. he may never help, so just work with his mom. Just get his list of guests, Good luck
Reply:Call his mother directly and tell her you%26#039;ve contacted a few halls just to get ideas, and some are already booked solid. That should get her moving on the guest list.
Reply:Have him take care of wedding issues that interest him, truthfully, he doesn%26#039;t care how many flowers are in your bouquet or what color the forks are.. Have him choose to do things like the music, picking out the band and the songs. Have him pickout the caterer and the meals.. He can help pick out location, but a lot aspects of this he will find to be boring unfortunately so also have him organize his groomsmen, help out w doing the invitations etc..

As far as his parents go.. talk to them, i%26#039;m sure you have their number. You can ask him to do more, but don%26#039;t let it get to the point where you%26#039;re nagging him
Reply:Why can%26#039;t you get with his parents to discuss it?
Reply:Lance is right :) If you want him more involved give him a reason to be :)super nanny

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